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The Ultimate Guide to Conflict Resolution is full of insights and strategy for executives, business owners, team leaders, individual contributors, students, and anyone else looking to hone their current skills and get up to speed on the least stressful way to resolve conflicts.
Read it now to build or refine your approach without fear, conflict avoidance, or missteps that come with shooting from the hip.
Conflict: just the word causes unease in the minds of leaders who struggle with a fear of confrontation.
But could this dread be the product of a larger problem? Thatās what weāve found with many of our clients.
Unfortunately, most people do not know how to solve conflicts productively because they are uncertain about how to start a conversation when the topic is difficult.
It's because they are uncomfortable with going directly to team members to discuss a conflict situation because they believe it may get worse.
The same goes for the team members themselvesāthey avoid conflict and tough conversations, but mostly because they fear hurting peopleās feelings. So many people have had unpleasant experiences with conflict in the past that it inhibits them from acting more effectively.
"80% of conflict is caused by a lack of trust and communication,
and only 20% is caused by conflicting goals and personalities."
ā Dr Mary Kay
Conflicts start out small, flare up and then die down; itās a typical destructive cycle that exists in all workplaces.
Usually, everyone knows that this conflict cycle exists, but no one knows how to stop itānot even managers, who instead may revert to their old, familiar, habits and ignore the conflict so that they donāt have to deal with people situations.
Itās a big mistake to avoid situations like this, regardless of how tough they are. Letting the conflict go on un- checked is unfair to you and your team, and can be costly to your company by affecting results and negatively impacting performance.
Ignoring the destruction shows that you care mostly about your own interests and are not outwardly focused, which just contributes to the problem.
Proactive Leaders, conversely, are eager to uncover destructive conflicts and prevent them. They know that having tough discussions is the right thing to do and believe in the success of others; they know that without engaging in difficult conversations, team members canāt be successful.
It is by giving team members an opportunity to solve the conflict that Ultimate Leaders get positive results.

When entering unknown territory, itās a good idea to bring along a map, and the same goes for when youāre entering a tough conversation.
During interactions, a map can ensure that you do not talk about the same misunderstanding more than once and do not skip steps; it also facilitates moving from venting to solutions and over to actionsāthe phase in which positive results take place.
The Conversation Map is a consistent system that works every time.
It teaches us how to communicate with, influence,and help each other. It can also teach team members how they can solve difficult situations by themselves in the future.
More on the process of how to use the Conversation Map later in this guide.

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Resolving misunderstandings provides opportunities
for implementing leadership skills in the areas of:

Before attempting to use a Conversation Map, you must make sure that the misunderstanding or conflict to be resolved is truly impacting productivity. If team members are just having disagreements amongst themselves that are not affecting the working environment, the conversation map model is not really necessary.
This is a tool to be used for larger-scale issues only, ones that are currently impacting productivity and results.
You might believe that you canāt really do anything about somebodyās attitude, but you can. For
example, when an individualās attitude makes team members want to leave the company, that is the time for you to step up and take action.
Leaders donāt let anything that affects productivity exist in their workplace or organization.
You can have two types of conversations using a Conversation Map: one-on-one, or a facilitated
discussion. Whichever type you choose, the map (see Conversation Map graphic) will chart the difficult but necessary conversation from beginning to end.
Letās look at an example of a time when you might want
to informally utilize the Conversation Map.
Say you have a people situation in the workplace thatās affecting productivity, and youāve determined that one employeeāin this case, weāll call him Steveāis slowing everybody else down. Everyone on the team knows this, but no one has felt comfortable enough to go to Steve directly and
discuss the situation.
Now, when something like this arises, a manager should be talking to Steve about being a better team member but, in this case, the manager either isnāt aware of the problem, or is isolating himself and ignoring it. This is a great opportunity for you to step up and take the reins, by following the map in order to reap results.
Using the Conversation Map starts with the two steps: evaluating the situation and going directly to
the person in question. Letās look at what each step involves.
ā casual conversation
ā all involved communicate
ā verbal commitments
ā formal meeting time
ā designated person facilitates
ā written commitments

This step cannot take more than twenty-four hours; if it does, that means youāre procrastinating, and
not making the decisions that you need to make in order to go on to the next step. Here, you must ask yourself: Am I too emotional to go to Steve right now? Is the timing right for whatās going on in the workplace? Has Steveās behavior been part of a pattern, or is it a one-time occurrence? Ask yourself these questions just to make sure that youāre using the map appropriately, at the right time and in the right place.
If you donāt go directly to the source of the problem, youāll break down trust; even though many
people know this, they just donāt know how to begin the approach. If youāve hesitated to have tough
conversations because you werenāt sure how to start, use the following conversation-starting tool to
package your communication into three parts:
⢠State how you feel about the situation.
⢠State the topic or behavior.
⢠End with how the problem impacts the organization.
Example:
āSteve, I feel upset [situation] when phone calls are not returned [behavior] because the people completing the orders canāt get products to the customer [impact].ā Itās not unusual to become emotional when discussing issues that can impact the organization, so donāt panic if thatās how you feel. Just remember that you can state your emotions without being emotional, and that you need to be certain to include all three elements when you start the conversation. This will set you on a level playing field with your listeners, and show them that you have the right intentions.
One important word to avoid when starting conversations about problems with others is āyou.ā Here is an example of an ineffective opening statement with Steve: Steve has been annoying you so you finally get around to going directly to Steve and say, āYou, havenāt returned my phone calls. You are ignoring me!ā When you make the discussion personal like that, Steve will take it personally, and will be less inclined to hear you out, much less do what you want them to.
By repackaging your message to be in line with the three steps outlined in the āgo directā step above, you can really open up a conversation. By further utilizing the conversation map, you can move smoothly from start to finish and end up with result-oriented actions and positive outcomes. Just as a land map helps you move safely from one territory to another, this one will guide you through the conversations that have been a source of anxiety.
When you start conversations itās important to listen to what others have to sayāto let
them express their feelings and vent without you interrupting them or explaining your side of the situation. By letting each team member speak while others listen, the conversation will be focused and regulated.
The real value of this step is that team members get to hear what theyāve never hear beforeāeach otherās opinions, hurt feelings, or complaints. The focus is not on whoās right or wrong or whatās fact or fiction; the only focus here is getting perceptions out in the open, and getting on to
the next step.
Most people avoid conflict because the āIn the Openā step is as far as the conversation gets. A red light/green light statement propels the conversation to move from venting to solutions.
When people are venting and then they stop and say something like, āWell, that about covers it,ā that is your cue to ask the commitment question: āWould you like better results than youāre currently getting with everyone in the department, starting today?ā
The answer to this question is what determines whether the conversation continues to a resolutionāthat is, gets the green lightāor gets the red light and ends the conversation. Ultimate Leaders who focus on letting people solve their own situations should always ask this commitment question.
If youāve gotten the green light, you and your team member will now be able to put together possible solutions and focus on actions that each of you can take. When you get to this step, start with the person (Steve) first and focus on positive steps that he can take, reminding him of all the possibilities that are open to him.
At this point, your conversation has really become powerful, as youāve allowed it to transition forward. You have taken the energy of frustration and redirected it to
moving ahead.
From this conversation, you and Steve can create a plan for what each of you is going
to do. āI really need to send you an e-mail promptly,ā he might say, to which you might reply, āAnd I
need to be more open with you.ā Steve may admit that he needs to share more information about
projects with others who are involved and, in return, you can suggest regular meetings to discuss
customer priorities.
Together, you can come up with a multitude of ways in which you can improve
the tense situation that brought you together in the first place, and these ideas are the basis of an
action plan.
You and Steve must agree that no matter what happens after this discussion, you will give each other feedback on how itās going. Many people fail to communicate in this way when thereās tension; unfortunately, they also fail to communicate when thereās progress.
Relying on each other to give feedback and follow-up on action plans will sustain productive behaviors for the long run.
In each red light/green light scenario, people generally answer the commitment question with āYes, I
would like different results in this situation starting todayā. But sometimes thatās just not the case.
When you approach another person with an issue that needs to be discussed, keep in mind that there is always the chance that he or she will be taken off guard, and will become upset by what you have to say and give you the āred lightā instead. This is okay; thereās no need for you to get emotional about it.
At that point, you can simply say to your team member, āAt this point, weāre stuck. I had hoped you
would like to solve this together, but we do have other options. We could ask someone to facilitate a
conversation between you and me. What would you like to do?ā
If you and the other person truly wants to work through this conflict, you and Steve will agree to the
facilitated conversation, and your letting him have the choice of facilitator really gives him a feeling of having a stake in the issueās outcome, since he will be able to select someone he knows and trusts.
Whether or not the facilitator is familiar with the details of the conflict is not essential; the facilitator is there not to solve the conflict but to guide you, Steve, and any other involved team members to solve it yourselves.
The facilitator can be anyone who is familiar with the Conversation Mapās steps (see Facilitated
Conversation Checklist). An example of conflict resolution through a facilitated conversation is
outlined in the following scenario:
This is an example of an attack-defend conflict, wherein the speaker attacks someone who has done something offensive to them and then tries to defend their outburst by putting blame on the other party. Attack-defend is always an unproductive method of conversation and should be avoided as much as possibleāboth at home and at work.
Instead, try using the conversation map to work your way through this situation. Allow your son or daughter a ten-minute venting phase to explain what happened; let them talk until they repeat themselves, and make sure that you listen carefully. Then, take your own ten minutes to speak your thoughts as your son or daughter listens. At the end of the venting (In the Open) period, ask each
other, āWould we like different results than we currently have?ā Hopefully, you will both indicate āyes,ā and give the green light. Then, you can ask each other, āWhat could we do, starting right now, to make this situation better?ā
When youāre stuck in the attack-defend mode, you can be so busy reacting that you donāt take the valuable opportunity to teach your child how to communicate and how to listen. By utilizing the Conversation Map, whether youāre dealing with problems at home or at work, you can facilitate a tough conversation anywhere, with anyone, very effectively.
Leaders address people situations affecting productivity with the same urgency as quality or safety situations. The goal is to spend more time on possible solutions and very little time on who did what to whom; blame does not matter, and attacking is never the right thing to do. The point is to get to a solution that will last.
There is no reason that a conversation should ever be unproductive if you use the Conversation Map. Remember that you do not always have to be the problem solver or mediator; all you need to do is follow the steps of the map, and encourage your others to do the same.
One of the best suggestions we can make to our clients who are learning how to be leaders within their organizations, whatever their communication style, is to never take shortcuts. Never skip over a step in the Conversation Map. Donāt repeat steps, eitherādonāt go back and rehash what youāve already covered; this does nothing but give people more negative things to think about instead of moving forward toward resolution.
Shortcuts can be a major problem, though, when youāre trying to push for results. Does this look like any conversations youāve had lately? Manager: Iāve noticed that you havenāt been acting as though youāre part of the team lately, and Iām wondering what your thoughts are on that. Employee: I agree. Thereās a problem. Manager: Hereās what we can do to fix it.
If this sounds like the way you communicate, it means that youāre a faster-paced communicator, and you may not be getting the results that youāre after. The reason for this? Your conversation is incompleteāyou have taken a shortcut to the Action Plan step and have not let the other person dialogue or get things off their chests and determine if THEY want to solve the situation or not.
You have become too focused on your action plan, have not heard their thoughts on the subject, and did not get their buy-ināwithout which they will not follow through on the solution you came up with. When managers get excited about employees acknowledging a problem, they can get into trouble because they fail to ask for the employeesā commitment. Without the commitment, the problem will continue.
If instead, youāre more of a faster-paced, people-oriented communicator, you may tend to shortcut the Evaluate step and head right for the Go Direct and In The Open steps. Since youāre using your leadership skills and going direct, you may think that
itās a good idea to go up to a team member whoās having some problems and say, āDo you know what people are saying about you? When you were at lunch, they said that you hadnāt completed a report.ā
But this is really not the way to go. This is communicating your own opinion of the situation, instead of letting him figure things out for himself; itās called āstirring the pot,ā and itās a telltale habit of reactive communication and not a team member.
Conversely, slower-paced, people-oriented communicators tend to stay in Evaluate mode foreverā and in fact never even get around to having the conversation with the other person. They think about it and know that they should do it, but it just never happens, whether from fear or lack of time, or whatever excuse they want to give.
This can create so much tension in the workplaceāon the part of the communicator, who lives with that phantom conversation hanging over his head, and on the part of the person creating the tension whose behavior is never addressedābut everyone lives with it because they donāt trust each other enough to confront the situation.
Slower-paced, task-oriented communicators have their own shortcuts as well. They usually go straight to the Solution step instead of finding the right balance between Evaluation, going directly to the individual, and allowing them to vent. In this scenario, the communicator takes an investigative approach and tries to find out if anyone else has a problem with the person in question.
This is appropriate if a procedure or policy, such as harassment or discrimination, has been broken, but if youāre dealing with people issues involving only the individual and no one else, an investigation is inappropriate. When this is the case, the only person who needs to know about itāand the only one who can fix itāis the individual, and he canāt do that if heās not aware of the problem.
Example Scenario: Frank feels Randy is not pulling his weight. Productivity is affected
because Randy and Frank are not working together. Both members are trying to practice their Conversation Map skills.
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Example Scenario: Frank has attempted going direct to Randy. Randy and Frank havedecided to have a facilitator help them communicate so they donāt get too emotional. They ask Andy to be their facilitator. Andy has completed his/her preparation and the actual meeting is now going to begin.
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Creator of The Ultimate Guide to Conflict Resolution
Hi, I'm Dr. Mary Kay, the co-founder of About Leaders.
Over my 30 year career as a leadership coach, author, and course creator, I've had the good fortune to work with thousands of leaders at hundreds of companies. My passion is helping people master the art of building high-performing, self-correcting teams.
Using this experience, I've helped thousands of leaders like you to become experts at resolving conflicts. Even conflicts that have festered for years and seem insurmountable.
If you are struggling with conflicts that right now seem unsolvable and want to level up your skills to handle any conflicts no matter how big, I invite you to check out the Ultimate Leader Success course.
I personally guarantee you'll love it!


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